The first two digits came swimming back into my conciousness, but the last two were completely gone.
I tossed and turned for a while and wished I'd made all my pin numbers memorable.
Then I drifted back into a dreamfilled sleep.
When Ma went into a care home during the last few years of her life, she'd already entered the confused and often terror filled world of dementia.
All floors of the home had automatically closing doors which could only be opened by entering a fourdigit pin code. The code was easy to remember for all the visitors who came in throughout the day; the current year.
I went to see Ma at the beginning of October. She was delighted to have a visitor. "You have such beautiful teeth", she complimented me, using the polite form of 'you'. She did not know me.
I showed her how to wash her hands after using the bathroom. "You all know so much", she said with genuine admiration.
We had a cup of tea and a biscuit. "This is such a delicious biscuit", Ma looked at it carefully. "Really delicious."
I looked round the room. It was a large L shaped sitting room on the first floor.
A church tower with a large round clock was visible through the window. How slow time must go when your mind and body are locked up.
The residents all presumably shadows of their former selves. Some mumbling to themselves, other sitting awkwardly in pvc covered armchairs. a large grey haired lady swearing at whoever tormented her thoughts and shouting randomly. "SSSHHH", scolded Ma severely, "Don't do that!"
I could not take my eyes off the caged canary near the door. It was grey, just like the people.
Over the previous years, Ma had become increasingly dependent and confused. Sometimes she realised what was beginning to happen to her and she would cry and worry.
She began to see things which weren't there and everyday tasks became insurmountable challenges.
Like operating the cooker or washing machine.
She lost keys, glasses, the evening meal...
She lost the ability to use the bathroom and dress herself.
Sometimes there would be a few lucid moments. But mostly she slipped into a fearful twilight world where everything was unpredictable and out of her control.
"Please let me go home?" she would plead sometimes. Then even language became a struggle, where sounds would come, but words remained hidden away in the part of her brain she could rarely access.
I dreamed I was back in the old manse in A.
L came into the livingroom. Somehow I knew she'd bumped her car three times in the previous days.
I was worried. L couldn't find her keys and was struggling to express her thoughts.
Ma offered her a biscuit." It's delicious", she smiled happily, " really delicious."
Today I will change all my pincodes to something I'll be able to remember.
